Thursday, May 19, 2005

A Champ and His Work

My friends, today I am in a bad, bad mood, and I want to kick many things. Lucky for us we are not face to face, eh, on this "internet window" or else I would have to give you the punch to the balls. I kid. Gladys even gave me a surprise, she took out the wall of our shower and put in a glass one instead. It is very useful, because now I can see outdoors and tell when the garbage man will come to get our bags, but I am just not in the mood to admire the view.

I bet you are saying to yourself, "Jean Claude is a very big star. What does he, such a great big action hero, have to complain about?" Though you are only fans and not very good at acting or getting the "big bucks" like me, I think you can understand when I say, "Some things are very hard. Even when you are a Hollywood person. Sometimes, it is even harder."

My father used to tell me, when I was back in home country of Belgium, to "always look at the numbers. The numbers are the bottom line." He is an accountant and a smart man. Numbers are important because they let us communicate with many kinds of people. For example, I can tell the waiter I want five bottles of Stoli, or I can tell the baker man I want two big cookies. If I hold three fingers up and am very quiet, that is the same as shouting "three!" And every country has its own number language, because sometimes in England I will get a drink with a very big number, but in America, the same drink is something very small! Also, in England they use something called "millipedes" to count, and we use ounzes. Haha, I am like your numbers translator. They are very wonderful, no?

But right now I am looking at the phone number for my production company, and they are not wonderful at all. I will tell you now why I am so "worked up" and angry today. It is because I was on the phone with those mongrel bastards my production company, and they tell me that my movie, Kumite, has been pushed back to open in 2007. 2007!!! That is rotten number, too. Kumite is close to my heart, because it is the second part of one of my favorite movies (that I have acted in), and I feel so strong that everyone is on the seat of their pants to see it. It is a little risky, I will say, because a lot of movies start with the hero and he wins, but this one is different because I already was the hero and won the championship, and now I start the loser and not winner. So the real question is, can I win again and become the hero? It is like a big circle! I wrote a lot of it, so I am a very proud "papa"! It feels good to be the big cheese, but it is a lot of headache when I have to solve such problems.

I would talk more, but now it is time for me to wake the children for their school. They are growing just as fast as my cubs! Kristopher, though I complain sometimes about his dedication, is a fine boy, and Bianca will be a real heart-breaker; she reminds me of me when I was her age. The youngest son does not do so much...I try and toss my boy in the air, but he screams for help and people stare too much. His favorite thing is to play with the thing that adds a bunch of numbers together super-fast, but I think he is doing it wrong, because all he writes down are big E's and triangles and exclamation marks. What nonsense! I don't know, numbers are important, but I think he is just retarded.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Champ at Home

Maybe you are wondering what I have been doing these days. It is OK, I know I am not so much the "cock of the walk", as they say, in the year 2005. But my buttocks are still tight and young as my youngest son; I have Gladys rub them for me in the morning, she says it is like a genie's lamp! Haha, I make a joke, but really, my skin is gold...I bought a new oil which is made from flowers that only grow on top of a Tibet mountain taken care of by twenty-five virgins. Hoohoohoo, I would like to put in a lot of Van Dammage round the house, if you know what I mean. I bet Segal is jealous, that poosy.

Anyway, my ladies, I have been very busy having Kristoph trained in the art of karate. The boy is a real wonder, but I worry because he has no interest in ropes or locker room showers. I tell him, it is a ritual, a real father-son time, but the boy refuses and turns down my virgin oils! I hope he is not a nancy-boy, like Segal.

Also, I must keep up with training myself, and my sponsor told me it was good to pick a hobby up, to "clean the spirit." So I have been growing some trees that I think will be very good and useful for Kristoph's training when he stops messing around and says to himself, "I am a beautiful person, and I am ready to fight. To survive." That boy! His head is in the clouds, very high in the air, and not near Tibet mountain tops, either.

I have been busy with Oskar and Duchamp. They have grown so fast since the time I rescued them from a ravine, knocking out the nineteen hunters that surrounded us from the temple tiki hut of shelter. They were so cute, and sometimes I would wake up in the night, and Oskar would be sitting on my chest and my nipple would be so sore. I think they thought I was a mama-cat! So silly, my killers.

I must go, the old lady is going to market, and she never remembers to get my fudge cookies. So simple! The little people make it in the trees. I guess Kristoph would not be interested in that either. Adieu!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Life of a Champ

My name is Jean Claude, and I was born in Belgium. I am a middleweight champion and an international superstar around the world. My wife is a bodybuilding champion, and my family is very beautiful and American, with European names. I think heritage is very important. I am the hero, and this is my journey. Hello!