Wednesday, June 08, 2005

A Champ and the Miracle of Life

Today I have the day off, and I am grateful. Kristoph has been getting too big for his pants. He ignores his training, he cuts class, and he even shouted at his mama! She was only trying to put him in his pajamas. Is he too "grown up" for fudge cookies now, too? It is not wise to spoil such a boy, so yesterday I sit him down. I sit him down and I say to him, the boy who sprang from the passionate heat of my loins and Gladys', this boy who is now a big bull stamping his pastures, I say, "Look, son. I love you very much. But you shape up, or I will punch you in the nutsack." I would too. It has always been a move so full of emotion for me. It is the move that gave me my international superstardom and got me out alive from a group of angry pygmies in the Amazon. (So squishy, like blueberries. No fun.) If I must, it will also be the legacy I give to my boy. See if he make the trouble for us then, and shame our strong name. (It is European and has a lot of heritage, like millions of years, just like Rome.)

But enough "shoptalk." I want to tell you all about a very special thing. No, it is not Kumite. No, it is not my new oil, though that is very fine indeed--I have switched from virgins to a very interesting group of scientists in Antarctica, who collect fats from imperious penguins. They give it more flavor. I believe in supporting modern technology. Here is a tip: if you pay now, by helping them, they will help you later when you want your body frozen and given to your great-great grandchildren as a birthday present! I lose track. So my very special thing is actually a pet my youngest son brought home. What interesting work! It is really amazing.

It is Sea Monkeys. Do not be fooled, they do not swing from happy trees. These are little, no, the TINIEST little sea creatures! They have antenna, and they love to play and swim. I see them waving hello when they swim by the big glass circles. It is wonderful. They each have a family group, just like us, and sometimes the boys fight to win the ladies' attention. So imagine all of us, if we were very small, living in the water! That is exactly what they are like. But the best part is, they have MANY LIVES. More than Duchamp and Oskar, anyhow, poor kitties. I did not believe either, but the young one showed me the book of care and instructions, and it says if they die, you put in more water and poof! They come back alive!!! I am amazed. I am in awe. How stupid the government does not know, and how stupid the scientists who do not study these golden swimmers. If only we had their technology, maybe my belly could be as ripped as Gladys'. Sometimes I store some candies and gums on the edges of her muscle, they stick out a lot and it is like a walking shelf. And also with arms. And a face. Of course.

Anyhow, I must go help take care of my new friends. I am going to order them some vitamins and play crystals, so they can surf on them and become strong. The pictures in the book are so helpful! I only hope those fathers never have to claw their sons' balls. Ach. Well, I have needed more training for my reflexes. First the order, then some time with the ropes! I think Gladys can man the trees.