Saturday, June 04, 2005

A Short Story, by A Champ

I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I was busy with my daughter's dance team. They are competing in two (also, 2, clever, eh?) weeks, and I will have those girls legs' stretched up and out like twelve fooking rulers toward the beautiful sky. What? It is Dance High Kicks Division, you dirty bums. You are not gentlemen! But I will confess to you, all the legs so flexible remind me of another beautiful time when I was a young international superstar and knocking boots with millions of classy ladies. Well, all the legs except Bianca's, because I respect God and I respect family values. It is a mess when people's papas are their freres and grandpapas and aunties in one, and it makes the family tree into a small, puny bush, and that is not the way of a true champ. I laugh at wimps!

But now I go back to the pretty picture of pretty me and pretty ladies. So. I am not very proud, but a long time ago, I was heavy in the, how you say? Blow. Mama coca. I was young, new meat in the business, and here I was getting beautiful women with mountains of cocaine. What could I do? Me, such a simple boy. So I took the blow, many lines, lines, lines, lines like the ones for my movies at the movies, many lines. I cannot begin to say. Yah, I was a real jitter bug. My good friend Dolph Lundgren even started to call me Mister Snow-Cone. I do not think that is a manly name. I did not like it. I do not believe in turning boys into girls, unless they are pansies or very interested in disguises to fool silly people.

Maybe I take the coke a little too much. One time, Gladys caught me with a special lady friend, Wynter Wonderland. Ah, such magnificent bosoms! What were we doing? Well, I know I have billions of lady fans, and I am a gentleman, so I will just say she was my powder donut. Anyways, Gladys, the champ of my heart, was much of the anger and she threw me through the window. But the world loved me very much and saved my life. It was only the first floor!

I had to get 77 stitches. I was real mad, but now I understand Gladys was a woman in a desperate situation, and desperate women in situations turn caca crazy, n'est pas? Also, I had a movie to do. They gave me many painkillers, and I do not remember very much. I could not feel my face! Gladys gave me a cup that never falls down for my drinks, but my head was very heavy. Lucky for me, we were only doing the talking parts, which are boring. I had to cry, and I had Gladys punch me in the face. I could not feel anything, but from my eyes came two rivers! It reminded me of summer fishing with my father in the old country. So the movie was okay, and I learned a lot. Since I could not use my face to say important things, the director taught me something called "body language." Now I know a lot of moves you can do, without kicks, to let other people know what you want!

Ah, me. I shake my head at how young I was.